A Bad Day To Bury Good News

One thing I get asked sometimes, is ‘can I get a print of that?’

It’s simultaneously one of my favourite & least favourite questions, a real humdinger; how can I let the cat out of the bag if it’s dead in a box?

Firstly, I don’t feel like I’m in any place to judge my own work & it’s value – if you want a print, go for your life! I just take them, try to make them good as I can, then I scurry away & hide.

Secondly, it’s a minefield, so many variations, what size, what kind of paper, what are your printing notes? What I fear will happen is that I’ll say yes, spent a hundred quid getting it done, and it won’t be right and I’ll be left with mud on my face and a damp squid in my hands.

But the question still comes, a strange, generous thief in the day. So, I got my arse in gear and looked around. I found this place called Gelatin Print who seemed to know their onions and asked them if they’d do one for me.

They did & it’s beautiful. They’re great to work with, really into the art of it, getting it just right. They were careful & professional. You can have any black & white print made in most sizes, straight from negatives using silver gelatin, on a couple of different kinds of paper. Ask me for details. If it’s really popular, I might try to make a form or something, but for now, it’s low-key; if you want one, just ask & we’ll do it!

Here’s the first one. It’s a shot I took of Josienne Clarke at Broadscope Studios in Glasgow about a month ago. I have to admit, I am pretty pleased with it. 16*20 inches on fibre. First the negative, then the print itself with a bottle of Macallan for scale. I’m bad at taking product photographs of my own photographs, but there it is, nonetheless.

If you’d like to talk to me about getting a print of any of my work, please do ask. I promise to make it as easy for you as I can… 🙂

2020, The Year We Conjured Love Among The Chaos

I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t write a hopelessly selfish, self-indulgent gushing explanation of why 2020 was alright for me, despite being the worst year in living memory. I knew people who had COVID-19 and it’s a right fucker of a virus. Avoid it, if you can. Stay away from people. Wear a mask, even though they suck. But you don’t have to feel guilty if you had some good times. I did & I don’t.

I’ve been a lone wolf for so many years, I can’t remember having a supportive team of colleagues who have my back, share my problems. I always did it pretty much alone. This year, though, I made things with other people, married the love of my life & I moved to live in a beautiful new place where nobody knows my name.

So, yeah. 2020 was pretty good to me & I’m excited for the end of the global pandemic chaos so we can get back to living properly. In the meantime, I have work, love & life. Twitter friends, you are my actual friends & I love you, knowing you are out there means so much & I’ll try to be there for you, too. If I can do anything to help any of you reading this, then I have the space & time. Ask me. If I can, I will.

GUESS WHAT, here’s some photographs of my 2020. You’ve seen most of these, but here they are again, because, like I said, self-congratulatory year-end post.

I got married to Josienne Clarke, easily the highlight of all the years. Thanks for being there for me, JC x

I made a load of films & did a load of photoshoots. I can’t fit them all in here, but I have so much more coming in 2021 that I can’t wait to show you!

I bought a double bass & started playing again after a 20 year break.

I released a solo album, ‘I Used To Be Sad & Then I Forgot’ and some people didn’t hate it!

We did some listening parties in lockdown, I joined Josienne on her tour of Ireland & made the cover art for her Historical Record series of releases.

I made a film with Andrew Leach called ‘Overheads’ using actual actors & one for a song of Kingsley Ravenscroft called ‘Magus’. I made a few videos for Josienne’s releases, too.

My little brother Mark got married, too & I took the photos for his wedding. What a (pre-pandemic) day! That’s me with him & our sister.

We spent a week in a recording studio. It went far better than I had feared.

Here’s some shots of us enjoying 2020.

Here’s a few things that I am working on, things that are yet to come. These things will be even better than the things that have gone. I don’t expect the pandemic to let up, or us to be able to be with each other, properly, again, yet, but I’m quietly optimistic that this will end in some way or other, because that’s what things tend to do. I’ll let the smartest man in the world explain:

‘The universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots just to eat them. Some people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it will never stop trying to throw you and eventually it will, there’s no other way off…’

— Rick Sanchez

Here’s to riding the universe until we can’t anymore, my friends. Glasses raised to 2021, I’ll see you all tonight for a drink & a final fuck-off to twenty-twenty, ya massive dickhead x

My Review of ‘Wednesdays’ by Ryan Adams

No, I haven’t listened to it. No, I don’t intend to, and I don’t really think you should, either because Ryan Adams made sexual advances towards a 14 year old girl.

He wielded his power, influence & privilege in the music industry as an instrument of emotional bribery, suggesting Phoebe Bridgers could play support to him, but only under some very specific sexual circumstances. He demanded that Consequence of Sound magazine remove an article about his behaviour & they did. Read what Mandy Moore, his ex-wife, has to say. His entire band told us that they tried to intervene but he was crazed with the power he held. He then went on, following Bridgers’ statement of what happened, to issue a defence that read something like ‘I am genuinely sorry that I got caught.’

Consider his records through the prism of these decisions & actions. I promise that either it will sound different to you or you’re thinking about it wrong. I believe in second chances, but we’re talking about someone who deserves to be in jail & he’s still gets to make records? And you’re still listening to them? Fuck sake.

The first line of his new album is (apparently) ‘I remember you before you hated me’, which tells us Adams continues to employ the manipulative, weaselling tactics & language of abuse – see how he shifts the focus of the debate onto his victims, implying their hate & lack of forgiveness is the real problem here. Just what a cunt like that would do.

To all you dickheads saying ‘yeah but its dead stripped-back, like ‘Heartbreaker’!’ ~ there’s a hundred albums came out this year like that which deserve your attention more than this one by this washed-up actual abuser.
So zero fucking stars, try Will Johnson’s ‘El Capitan’, Matt Elliott’s ‘Farewell To All We Know’ or Courtney Marie Andrews’ ‘Old Flowers’ if you want beautiful from-the-heart stripped-back emotional honesty.

There’s none in ‘Wednesdays’, we all know that. Zero fucking stars & I’ve not even played it.

A Statement Of Support And Advocacy for Josienne Clarke.

Since everyone’s issuing statements with hot takes on my wife’s recent blog post, I’m going to do the same.

Let me start with a look at Josienne’s article. What she says, in summary, as simply & fairly as I can:

  1. Josienne left the duo because Ben made her feel bad (not an allegation.)
  2. Josienne wasn’t as good at the guitar as Ben (subjective, innit?)
  3. Ben never properly told anyone Josienne wrote the songs (100% fact, in my experience.)
  4. (‘The Tangled Tree’ & ‘I Never Learned French’ – actual examples of this)
  5. Josienne once asked to be collected from a petrol station because she felt sad but was left there, alone.
  6. Josienne is making a new solo album because that’s the only way she knows how to be properly credited for her work (a reasonable assertion…)
  7. Please stop mentioning my name in the same sentence as Ben Walker (a reasonable request…)

Now, let’s take a look at Ben Walker’s statement from twitter, in summary:

  1. He has tried to stay out of it but he’s worried if he doesn’t say anything, he’ll look guilty.
  2. Says the ‘accusations’ are ‘out-of-context’.
  3. He didn’t do the things the article says.
  4. He then credits Josienne, perhaps for the first time in their career.
  5. States that her name is on the credits & she got paid fairly (she never disputed this…)
  6. Josienne can be angry & difficult, he has examples (provides none…)
  7. Josienne emotionally blackmailed other musicians to support her (no, that was me…)
  8. Josienne is ridiculous to say a thing she said (resorting to insults?)
  9. People have shared her message.

Firstly, there are receipts. Show me the youtube clip where Ben says ‘Thanks Josienne, who wrote that” in an interview or at a gig. You can’t.

Two people then issue statements in support. They both say, in summary:

‘I’ve known Ben for years and he’s never done this to me!’

(At this point, I was insulting to those people. I’m editing this post to remove that insult. It detracts from my message & I am sorry for saying it.)

This is not about you. Stop denying people their truth; however inconvenient it may be to you, does not mean it wasn’t damaging to Josienne. And for you to negate that, then make counter-allegations that Josienne is “misappropriating feminism” by describing her experience is a real specialist kind of abuse & you know it. Your words are sickening.

I can’t even be bothered to say anything to the pathetic frog-faced avatars stepping up to be all threatening apart from haha, hilarious, big man behind your keyboard. Sit down, you flaccid dickheads.

Josienne doesn’t allege anything. She doesn’t slander or defame. She doesn’t ask anyone to ‘cancel’ or ‘boycott’ Ben’s music. Quite the opposite, she suggests people should listen to his records, if they want to. Her statements aren’t out of context or conflated. I had to look that up! it means ‘two ideas put together into one’. What?!

What Josienne does do in her post is beg for her own reality to be acknowledged. She pleads to be allowed to move on with her life & career, free of the negative associations working with Ben Walker has for her. If you worked with Ben and it wasn’t shit, fantastic! Be grateful! Maybe he’s learned to be nicer, more supportive. He was not that to her. Ben made Josienne feel small & sad & scared & he still does, and THAT is a reality she is allowed to express. Like she says in the article, why would she leave the duo behind if there wasn’t a good reason? Let’s say Ben is correct & Josienne is angry & awful, she is still allowed to say the duo decimated her emotionally, robbed her of credit, and in that case, Ben, you’re better off without her, eh?

That Josienne’s story is such a resonant truth for other women is *not* an angle Josienne is leveraging for ‘increased social penetration’, but it sure is unfortunate for Ben that Josienne’s experience is so relatable. That is not her fault, it’s yours. You should have been more careful, you should have taken care of the thing you were close to. You had a duty of care & you failed. Suffer the consequences of your actions, and I hope they taste sour.

Ben Walker’s limp-wristed, lily-livered, dispassionate statement is a typical pathetic weaselly defensive counter-measure non-apology. He regrets being named but sees no wrong doing on his part. Ben’s statement is a mere negation, it doesn’t even try to say ‘sorry for the injury I caused you…’, indeed, quite the opposite – he responds to her saying she is sad & wants to be left alone by insulting her & claiming she is wrong. Which for my money tells you everything you need to know about the kind of person he is.

And he doesn’t have to apologise anymore because Josienne has long abandoned the hope that he might. But his bullying her to be silent won’t work anymore.

99% of the noise around this is an outpouring of support for Josienne, mainly women who have experienced similar at work or college or at home or in bands. Other musicians who could never put into words like she has done.

The Josienne I know today is a rescue dog, flinching at the first sign of certain types of behaviour. Kind of broken, small & sad but growing, recovering. Understandable. She survived a thing she found hard and what she needs now is advocacy, to have her reality acknowledged. Anyone trying to negate her blog post, which is not slanderous or accusatory, but simply her lived experience, will not be met with kindness by me because yes, I am angry & yes I am spoiling for a fight when people I care about are wronged. I’m not sorry about that & you are welcome to fuck off. There have been many before you & there will be many after. But you never do fuck off, do you? You just sit back & watch from a safe distance, pecking at the crumbs on the floor at our feet, feeding off the failures of others, occasionally chipping in a message to keep yourself relevant, close to the commodity, just in case one day, there’s something in it for you. You greasy parasite.

Time to choose a side. If you’re not a friend, if you didn’t start any fights, then you are an enemy. I’m sorry, but it isn’t me making this about choosing a side, Josienne’s post begs for peace & resolution. Insults are a choice. Advocating other people’s rancid behaviour is a choice. Silence is a choice. A private message of support whilst saying nothing in public is a choice. Say what you think. Have the courage of your convictions and stand beside Josienne or be gone.

Honour Josienne’s request to be taken on her own terms. Respect her right to own the truth of her experience. Leave Ben Walker’s name out of discussions about Josienne Clarke from this sentence onwards, please.

Four Days in the Centre of the World

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. We’re all going to die. Come watch TV.

That show, Rick & Morty, is so much better than it seems. Morty is usually right, but Rick always gets his own way because he’s arrogant & intelligent, but is he happy? Is he fuck. Morty, always the pathetic, protesting victim, the small, quiet, stupid man, at least has things in perspective. Morty is a hero to anyone lacking that, & Rick, a man with far too much.

So, that show has taught me a thing or two about perspective & about how to keep things in it. So, with that in mind, Josienne & I rented a big truck from Enterprise (the only rental company who will rent to me because of my record…thanks!) and drove up to Watercolour Music near Fort William early last week with nearly all we own bungee-corded in the back of this huge Ford Transit. It was a dark & rainy drive, full of jack-knifing lorries & cars in ditches, but we walked in a straight line through all the chaos outside the window, helping where we could and arrived on time & safe as sheds.

I was nervous about this trip. Nervous about playing. Nervous about not playing. Nervous about being trapped outside closing doors. Nervous about not being good enough to play with the big kids if they let me in. Nervous about a thing that I’m inside of, close to, intimately familiar with, but can’t do myself. It’s both partly mine & nothing to do with me at all.

Thing is, others that have been close to this hypnotic, addictive magic and have fallen for the poison, swallowed the illusion that because they were in the room when it emerged from it’s chrysalis, this invisible, valuable collection of vibrations somehow belonged to them too, so they try to keep it close, chain it to their wrist so it won’t fly away. Only one thing ever happens when you do that. ‘If you’re free to leave, it’s easy to stay…’ I once said in a song, and I meant it. I understand the attraction, the appeal, the pull, why a person would want to be a part of something bigger than they think they are, but you can’t take what isn’t yours. You can’t hold too tightly. You can’t cloy, or you’ll choke the life out of the thing that you want. Don’t suffocate – nurture. Don’t overwhelm – facilitate. Don’t control – contribute. You can see how badly I overthink all this stuff, get it wrapped round my neck like a kettle cord, gasp for breath under the weight of the importance.

But in the end, it was quite transcendental. I got to do it. I lived the thing I always said I wanted. I figured out how much food to bring. Carried bags. Loaded in, set up, plugged in, made shit work, sat back, made tea, made coffee, lunch, dinner & tea, let the thing happen. Immersed myself in it, played along, observed, and got to do it myself. Gave it space to breath & breathed it in. Anyone who’s been a reader here for a while will understand just how much it means to me, that picture of me playing a note on tape. If you’re new, then you should know that it means more than the world. I’m just Morty, handed a little chance to join Rick on an adventure in his spaceship and it’s terrifying & intimidating & I’ll fail, over & again, in the most public way, feel tiny & shit & alive & enormous & proud, all at the same time. I will never regret trying and I will do it over & over, forever, or as long as I can. It was a dream come true, I am grown-up multiverse Morty, now.

This is what Rick’s counsellor said to him after he turned himself into a pickle:

The thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it’s not an adventure. There’s no way to do it so wrong you might die. It’s just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people … well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.”

& I choose this. With all it’s rough edges, risky moves, gambles that pay off and the ones that don’t. All the winning & the losing, with you, here. Thanks for inviting me along & trusting me to be in the room, Josienne. You’re making a beautiful, unique, powerful & meaningful thing & I appreciate you letting me be near it. Let’s do it over & over again until we can’t.

Here’s my photo diary of those few days. Thanks for coming along, everyone.

That’s the music covered. Thing about Watercolour is, it’s right at the base of Ben Nevis. So you get some spectacular landscapes, too. Here’s a few from when I went wandering.

And that’s all. An awkward Rick & Morty analogy & a handful of decent photographs. I’ll take it. Stand by for more, we’re not finished, so we’ll do it again soon xx

The Scalpel of Studio Lights

I reckon it would’ve been January 2019 when I joined Josienne Clarke for a week at Watercolour Music near Fort William. That was when Josienne was recording of her ‘In All Weather’ album, where I made the video for ‘If I Didn’t Mind’. Some of you will remember my tweets from that week. What a mad rush of blood to the head it was, an emotional avalanche, working in a recording studio can be. I don’t have the words for how torn & broken I felt at points, and how exhilarated I felt at others. The scalpel of studio lights will do that to a person.

Well, next week, we’re off north again to do it all over again.

I won’t say what, why or how because it’s not my place, but suffice it to say, this has been a difficult call to make. We are in Scotland anyway, and we are taking every step to ensure we adhere to all social distancing guidelines. No stone is unturned and nobody is travelling from or to a place that is not allowed. We won’t be mixing except outside acceptable bubbles & we have put the needs of the local community and the studio owners above our own. Everyone is safe, legal & protected.

All I have to do is keep my shit together. Tune in on twitter next week to find out how I do, and anyone fancies telling me that I have a right to live & work, to express myself, to experience love & sadness, well, I might just need to hear it.

Here’s a little gallery from last time, from when I went for a little lonely wander while the grownups did their thing. This time, I get to play, just a little. But, I’ll try to take some photographs next week to show you a little behind the scenes of how it’s going.

Follow Josienne on twitter for the real story. And don’t forget, if you get a moment, wish me luck.

Get Me A Glass Of Water

I’m going to tell you what happened to me last night, a strange counterpoint to supporting Robert Plant & getting posh gin hand delivered!

I went to the MacDonalds near me, it’s good there because it stays open 24 hours and you can get a decent cup of tea for a quid, it’s bad because its MacDonalds and you don’t really want to be in that part of that, do you?

Now, there’s this horsey thing in town, so the place is filled with those travelling folk who do travelling horsey shows, you know the kind, ‘glamourous’ ladies wearing more make up than clothes, scally lads in polo shirts strutting around with their chicken selects. I’m not judging, Grandad used to make his best money doing flowers for traveller funerals & I always enjoyed when they came to see us.

It’s midnight and packed. It’s a venue, now, this MacDonalds, some a guy is playing trance on his bluetooth speaker and these kids are drunk. I say kids, there must be 150 23 year olds in this place. It’s more like a really shit version of what I imagine ibiza is like. I sat there with tea, chatting about stuff. And it starts to kick off around me. One lad lands a bad punch on another’s jaw. Gets pushed to the ground and kicked in the face. Blood splatters across the illuminated happy meal menu. There’s a baying circle of hangers on, some trying to part them, some pushing them together. Some bloke comes up to me as I try to look calm & bemused at the table and yells phone Joe, phone Joe. I don’t know Joe, I protest, sorry mate. But Joe must be phoned, so he throws his phone into my lap and goes and gets the youngest in a headlock, only to be kicked in the groin and fall to the floor then have his head stood on.

I don’t phone Joe, I phone the police. The manager of the establishment is out front now, standing around ineffectually saying, stop it, please, but by now, there are more people involved, this one girl is yelling ‘he’s a soft bully, kick his face off’ over and over, and a bunch of older dudes show up, baying and laughing, the manager yells at them that they went the wrong way round the drive thru.

It’s getting crazier, the police want the postcode, are there weapons. I tell them to google it, I don’t have the postcode. I don’t see weapons, but there better not be because this is getting very messy, and one knife in here would be bad. I’m worried about this one kid so I go and stands over him, he’s not getting up, just writhing and groaning, and I get off the phone to the po-po and the other phone rings and it’s Joe and I can’t help but answer, much as my gut says get out of here, something makes me pick up, and Joe wants to know who the fuck has his brothers phone and I tell him, big fight in macdonalds, police on their way and he’s furious – he yells who the fuck fights in macdonalds, get them out of there, we fight in the streets, he explains, so I yell – joe says take the fight outside, and they weirdly kind of do, but now there are sirens and like 5 huge vans full of police and the manager has asked the cooking staff to come out front and help get fighting men outside so I tell them all to go back behind the counter and tell the manager he’s an idiot and he needs to protect his staff and let the police worry about the fighters and he disappears and they start kicking each other in the car park, 50 people with their shirts off punching each other, so many near-naked braying onlookers filming on their mobiles, I find the guy whose phone I have and give it back to him and you know what he says? GET ME A GLASS OF WATER and I laugh and say fuck off, get it yourself and he laughs, pats me on the back and heads out into the fray which the police and doing a pretty effective job of breaking up.

I spent the next couple of hours in a lockin in the closed 24 hour macdonalds with the fuzz giving a hilarious statement a bit like this one but more serious and I’m still laughing about Joe’s brother asking me to get him a glass of water.

What The Hell Am I Doing (Part ∞)

Lots going on with me, and sometimes, it’s confusing, trying to work out who on earth I am supposed to be.

So, allow me to explain, who I am, what I do & what I want & why; in the interests of transparency, truth & also, a sales pitch…

One of the things I am doing is taking portrait photographs. I love this. It’s a brilliant discipline. I’ve recently done a big (socially distanced) shoot with a star in an infinity curve with make-up & hair artists & a lighting technician at Broadscope in Glasgow. It’s the most fun I’ve had in a good while. The results will take your head clean off, but I can’t share any details yet. My best work & it has to stay secret for a while, ah cruel industry. This was digital, 35mm film & some movie for a behind the scenes documentary, too. If you’re after some edgy portraits, then I’m your man – ask me about a booking!

My Portrait of The Ashen from a few years ago.

Which is another thing I’m doing – making music videos. I’ve made a few that will be released soon, and I’ve got more in the pipeline that are shaping up to various stages. These are great fun to do. Josienne & I work together on these, so if anyone fancies it, get in touch and we’ll make some visuals to fit your music.

Josienne Clarke from the ‘Slender, Sad & Sentimental’ video shoot.

I started a film production company with Andrew Leach called Massive Overheads Productions. We made ‘Overheads‘, a film Andy wrote and we made together. It’s currently gaining good reviews & knocking the doors of various fancy film festivals all over the world. I’m 3/4 of the way through another short film, I’ll release it when I’m done, and Andy writes one a week, so expect a steady stream of movies from us over the rest of all time. Hopefully, that’s a good thing.

Madison Leach as Ada in ‘Overheads’

Josienne Clarke founded her own record label, Corduroy Punk Records, and I help with that. Our side project, 2PrivateMatters, releases stuff through that label. Who knows what it will do next? I made the graphics for those sites. I’m not great at photoshop & stuff but I’m learning.

I made a solo album – available still at bandcamp – that I’m very proud of, that people seemed to like, and I always expected I might go out and play a show to sell some copies of it, but look how that went. It’s kind of done, that one. The record will always be there, and maybe when the world recovers, out I’ll go out and play some of those old songs, but I feel like I lost any momentum I made with that. Along with every other artist & musician, I guess.

I’m playing lots of electric & double bass lately. I used to do that lots, when I was 15 and I’m 44 now, so it’s been a while but it’s satisfying to be playing again. I bought an upright bass from Roberto Cassini that Danny Thompson has played. A beautiful instrument and I’m taking lessons from Lukas Drinkwater, so that’s a dreamy situation. Learned more in 1 hour with him than I worked out on my own in 25 years. I hope I can do it justice. I could play bass for you or your band, if you like. Though, I appreciate that we aren’t really allowed to do that at the moment.

Which I guess brings me to the next bit. Does any of this pay the rent? Like fuck it does. So, how do I do live now, then?

I’ve been doing day rate consultancy for a few companies who I know through linkedin for the last 3 or 4 months. It pays really well, it’s how I afforded to buy this double bass. I’m not hard up, because I’m lucky enough to have this experience, so folks pay me to help them do what I’ve done a thousand times. It’s part-time, so I can concentrate on doing more of the creative stuff. I like working that way. Josienne helps. Her career is kind of on hold, so she’s been working with me and then I help her in return. Imagine, a supportive, mutually beneficial life partner, a relationship as a collaboration based on respect, trust, kindness & love. It can be done, and it’s not straightforward or without challenges, but we’re both dedicated, hardworking and diligent people, focussed on our mutual goals.

My work page is at www.darlingsolutions.co.uk. It’s a bit odd, because the two things seem contradictory – artistic & business things, all at the same time? But you know, there’s more overlap in the skills needed than you’d think & this keeps the lights on. Gives me the time & resources to learn how to shoot & edit film and take better photographs, furthering my other interests.

I hate the perpetuated romantic myth that musician are somehow earning enough to carry on living in places where the rent is a grand a month without having to do a normal job too, when they ride around in dirty clothes, drive a shit car & live in Dalston. Nah, mate, you live in your family mansion, or your dad pays the rent, and the only thing wrong with that is when you pretend like life is hard for you, too.

Seems to me all artists retrained as waiters & IT support people or chefs or retail workers years ago anyway, or it’s a bunch of trust fund lies & you don’t need to pay to live, which is fine but be honest about it. Don’t pretend to slum it if you’re not because that makes it harder for everyone. We all have to pay the rent somehow unless you own a house outright or with a mortgage and if either of those things are true, then you’re financially securer than most people, for sure than me. And I am aiming for more financial security than I have now by working as many days as I can for folks who I’ve come across in the strange little world of WFO, playing bass, making films & taking photos along the way. That’s what I’m doing.

All of these words, and I’ve still not come to the point. These jobs & activities, they’re not who I am. I AM a photographer, filmmaker, musician & WFO consultant, but the main thing I’m doing these days is living honestly, saying what I see & what I want and building a life for myself that works for the kind of person I am. I don’t feel guilty or afraid. Nobody knocks on my door and tells me I’m going to hell anymore. I’m hoping to be debt free in a year. Hoping to find a place to call home for me and my family. Grateful that anyone cares enough about me to read this. Hopeful that I can continue on this journey of truth in life with my best friend by my side. I’m pointing in the right direction & I’m just going to keep walking straight forward.

my 35mm portrait of Josienne Clarke on a train.

So, who are you & what do you want?

Shooting #Overheads

It was pretty easy, to begin with. Andrew Leach came to me & said hey, man, we’ve twitter-known each other for a while, you shoot film & I write stories, why don’t we crash those things together?

We laughed at the name MASSIVE OVERHEADS PRODUCTIONS and then made it come to life.

Josienne helped. Andy’s family helped. Together, we all worked out how to record location dialogue (nightmarishly hard!) and how to clap scenes, so I can edit them together, how to use all the hardware & software & stay focussed on the creation, the telling of a story, when there are so many shadowy codecs & redundant formats hanging over you, when every shriek of a gull renders another wav unusable.

We did a casting call & were swamped. We said we had no budget, all the gear & no idea, it was our first time. But so many people wanted to be in it. They were all superb & I hope we get to work with them all in future projects.

Andrew MacIntosh, Andrew Leach’s artist friend, painted the caravan from the poster. Go check out his other stuff, he’a an actual magician.

Josienne had a song in her head since the start of the project. She recorded it at home, and you can hear traffic & trains in the background. It’s a lovely piece. The sentiment is perfect. Then her & I worked together on the theme tune, the debut of our new project. No vocals. We bring some of our other musical influences into play & made a dirty, noisy, distorted, foreboding drum-led piece. Familiar to fans of Formication, perhaps, but not a sound I’ve explored in a while. It’ll be on bandcamp, soon, so you can listen whenever you like. More details coming soon.

Andi Ashen swooped in, an un-caped hero and helped us rescue some of the location dialogue. it’s hard to get right, and I know more for next time. I think it sounds perfect, now, but it wouldn’t, without The Ashen’s ears.

In the end, Tina Harris, Claire Lebowitz King & Madison Leach are the stars of the show. Shooting & editing them was pure pleasure. I could’ve used any scene I shot. I learned lots about how to put it all together, about the best way to shoot to tell the story. How to direct them to get what I need. I felt their trust & it felt unearned, but I think I can do it. It’s a huge thrill, the power of pen to screen. I feel kind of manipulative, though, too. I can make a person sinister or serene, just by setting the words they say like this or like that. By cutting away too early or too late. By using sound or shadow to hint at things, or not hint at them.

It’s easy to get hamstrung, making things, isn’t it? Weighed down by the possibilities of what you COULD do. Is this film I’m making as good as Kubrick? As Coppola? Is the music as good as Pantha Du Prince, as musical & obtuse & meaningful as Stockhausen, as artfully abstract as Eno, as creative as Derbyshire, as leftfield & focussed as Weatherall, does it have a point, a use, a direction like Flylo or Fourtet? But, no fuck that. It’s none of those things & I’m none of those people. I’m just a random nobody who thought maybe he could, and if it’s shite and you all stand around and laugh, well, so be it. I’ve been there before & I’ll be there again, I expect. But as always, my scars on my sleeve & everything you see & hear, I did that and not one of you can take that away from me, hashtag smiley face.

So, I’ll learn from my mistakes & go make them all again, bigger & better & right before your eyes, this time. The real magic here is believing you can, and then doing, whatever it’s in the face of. I’m already nearly finished our second film project & there are two more about to appear. We made them with no production money using kit I bought off ebay, paid for by doing shift work in a bookshop & day rate computer support stuff. We paid for people’s help where it was appropriate and relied on goodwill & favours were we could. It’ll grow or it won’t & I don’t care either way. Andy’s got some beautiful stories to tell & it’s a thrill & privilege to help bring them to life.

Here’s #Overheads. Enjoy.